GUEST POST by Marisa Whitman, Speech Therapist

Language Matters- Wait, I’m not supposed to tell my kid, “You’re so smart”?

How to use your language to positively impact your child’s resilience, self-confidence and identity.

I don’t know about you, but I am slaying this parenting thing! (Air high fives) Well, to be real, I feel like I am screwing my kids up all the time and, according to the research, I might be correct.

Psychologist Carol Dweck of Harvard explains about how mindset (beliefs) and types of feedback children receive impacts how they approach future challenges. In real life it looks like this: kids who receive identity/label based feedback or comments feel their identity is tied to the outcome (I am a math whiz, I am a good dancer, I am smart, I am always late, I am lazy, I am a “behavior problem”) and kids who receive effort-based feedback  or  comments value hard work and perseverance for a variety of tasks (not tied to an outcome). Kids who internalize label based comments see failure as “I’m dumb” or “I’m not good enough” leading to lack of motivation and self-confidence, whereas kids who internalize effort based comments attack a challenge and see it as an opportunity to grow or improve.

Alright, now that we have confirmed that we have been telling our kids the wrong thing, now what? Many of us parents and teachers are using label based feedback as an attempt to increase confidence or protect them from feelings of failure. Unfortunately, by doing that, we are negatively impacting their emotional adaptability and creating anxiety about identity, ability and performance. As Oprah says, “When you know better, you do better”! Here are some ways you can support healthy identity formation, self-concept and ability to persevere even when things get hard.

Step one

Examine yourself and your current praise. Are you labelling? Telling your kids terrible things like, “You are smart, a good student, a star athlete”. Or maybe you casually say things like, “He’s my difficult one”, “She’s the pretty one”, “He’s just lazy”- these get internalized as labels too.

Step two

Praise/comment on the process rather than the result. Think about the learning process and point out how hard work, good strategies, or good use of resources will result in better learning.  “You kept trying to tie your shoes with lots of practice and now you’ve got it down”/ “You studied and worked so hard to improve your Spanish”/ “Great strategy to use the stool to help you pour the milk”.  In language terms- use verbs “you did it like this” rather than nouns “you are like this”.

Step three

Be specific about your praise and make it a habit. “Good Job”! is a fan favorite and a difficult habit to break.  What I notice is that parents and educators don’t even realize how often it’s their go-to. Here is your plan for creating a new and lasting habit. I ask my families to start a “swear jar” but I suggest a name change to “good job” jar or whatever resonates with you.  It works like this: every violation you catch yourself or your partner on, put some cash in the jar. Once you have the awareness piece down (and likely your kid’s college education paid for) here is your replacement strategy. Rather than use “good job” for all outcomes, try something like, “Babe! You made such a beautiful picture” vs “Good job! You ARE a good artist”. If that’s too wordy for you try, “Good ___” (great effort, good sharing, big jumping, awesome problem solving). My husband and I agree that some of this sounds very woo-woo or silly when said aloud, but we lean into it and even practice it on each other (“Honey! Great effort to get the kids to school on time”! or “Love your persistence with scrubbing that stain even when it was really stuck on there”!).

“You can do hard things”! Talk about challenges in a new way by focusing on the effort and persistence rather than the result. This will support their emotional resilience and develop the feeling that they can tackle anything that comes their way. They have the confidence to choose to challenge themselves and feel that they are a complete and whole person, no matter what the outcome.

Want more resources like this? Check out Marisa’s website https://www.realmomslp.com/ for articles, activities, workshops and more!

Contributor: Marisa Whitman is a Speech Pathologist of 20+ years turned “Real Mom”, author & coach. Her passion is supporting local families by facilitating connection & early communication skills with the small humans they love.

Marisa can be contacted by phone at 619-535-9553 or by email at Marisa@funshinespeechtherapy.com